Deadpool v Leonardo
by Connie Nervegas
Summary: Deadpool, the merc with a mouth tracks Leonardo, his latest target. (THAT IS SO LAME! NEEDS MORE ME AND LESS HIM. I'M WRITING IN BIG CAPPY LETTERS SO THAT YOU SEE THIS WHEN IT COMES UP IN THE SUMMARY LIST LIKE, YO! THIS IS ABOUT DEADPOOL! TITLE NEEDS MORE BADASS TOO. LIKE "TURTLE: THE OTHER WHITE MEAT.")


_Been thinking about doing this crossover for a while now, but it sounded hard and scary. So here goes a try..._

Leonardo the epic ninja stood on the precarious edge of a building, scanning the night sky for his enemies. He'd spent most of the night reading angry texts from two of his three brothers, complaining about the new training regime. Well, they had to fall in line. He responded, telling them that he was sorry that training extra hard to protect their family, clan and innocent citizens of New York City cut into the video game time and that he would talk about it when he came home.

Just as he decided to give up, secretly feeling a little let down that no criminal element had dared show its face, he heard a soft whizzing sound and then spun aside, ducking out of the way behind a chimney.

"Yeah, she said you were a squirrelly little jumper. Actually, she said, 'agile and sexy,' but that really means squirrelly. Hey, come out so I can make this quick." Then Leonardo heard the unmistakable sound of a large gun cocking.

The chimney exploded into sizzling chips of brick as Leonardo gracefully sprinted over the rooftop, leaping easily over the alley and onto the neighboring building.

"Hey, I even asked nicely!" the new threat yelled. Leonardo heard plodding footsteps behind him and chanced an appraising glance at his opponent.

It was a burly looking human in a red and black Spandex unitard and matching mask, wearing enough guns and grenades to invade a small country single-handedly. He also wore...

"Katanas...?" Leonardo asked, sniffing haughtily. "I would think that one trained in the art of the katana would have no need of so many guns and grenades. Do you wish to test your skill with me?" He drew both of the katanas on his back, deciding to challenge rather than be pursued like a frightened rabbit. Then he remembered that he had forgotten Usagi's birthday and should teleport a birthday card to his home dimension as soon as he got home.

The newcomer hoisted a gun onto his back and said, "Trained in them? No I just like stabbing things and these were the longest biggest stabby things I could afford. Hey, mine are WAY bigger than yours. Hey, you're not wearing any pants. Doesn't that weird out your readers that you're built like a Ken doll?"

Leonardo shook off the confusing insults, realizing that it must be a ploy to distract him from an ambush. Stay connected to your surroundings. "Well, as any lady would attest, it isn't the size that matters, but the skill with which you use them." Or make sexual innuendo to a maniac. He decided to catalog that line for later use when women were watching. Not that it would do him any good then either. "Hey, wait! I am not built like a Ken doll! I have... anatomy..."

The red and black assassin craned his hooded head and his white eye sockets goggled at Leo's crotch. "Did you just get back from the butcher shop? Because I don't see anything. Oh, man! This will cost me at least half!"

Leonardo held up his swords with renewed defensive posture, now deciding that this was a maniac. A well armed maniac. "Half of what?"

"This is bogus! Hey, show me your goods or I'm totally going to bail on this job. Come on!" the stranger leered at Leonardo's midsection. "So I broke the fourth wall a few days ago, right? And one of my readers totally has this hard on lust for you and she offered me eight million dollars to capture you and make you her sex monkey. She already fronted half but won't give me the other half unless I bring back a fully functional Leonardo to keep her company at night. So take your shell off or something. Can I pry it off with a crowbar and check like a Mr. Potato-Head?"

Leonardo snarled and said, "You must be delusional. So I'm going to take your weapons and disarm you and then call the police. Okay, I don't want to hurt you..."

The bounty hunter said, "What? Really? I must not be trying hard enough then! You know, if you were Wolverine, you'd have gutted me by now."

Just then, Leonardo felt the familiar invisible footfalls of his enemies. All around him. But how could he ninja vanish with this low mouth following him? He put a finger to his lips to indicate to the assassin that he required quiet and the assassin said, "What? Do you want me to shut up now? Hey, look. You're being attacked. You're a really lousy ninja, getting caught in the open like this!"

But it was too late. His few seconds of distraction were enough and he stood face to face with Karai, Saki's daughter, the one enemy that vexed his very soul.

"Leonardo," Karai said, her hair blowing in the night breeze. "I will not let your slights tonight against my family go unavenged."

"Slights?" Leonardo said, as he shifted his attention to Karai and her foot ninja flunkies. "He was going to pull half the city into another dimension so he could power a weapon to exploit and control the other half. Which still makes no sense to me from a business standpoint, but whatever! I'm not here to give you advice. Stay away from me and my family."

The assassin said, "Hi, I'm Deadpool. What's your name, sexy?"

"Leonardo..." he answered, wondering if Deadpool had a hearing problem.

"Gross! I mean the smoking hot chick that wants to kill you!" Deadpool nudged him roughly in the arm and Leonard pulled back a fist, prepared to punch him in response. "So, sweet cheeks. What happened to his boy parts? It's really important for a deal I have going. You wouldn't be interested in an exchange would you? You give me four million dollars and I catch the frog-man for you?"

"Why should I pay you for this when I am very well capable of capturing him myself?" Karai asked, her voice full of insult.

Leonardo said, "I beg to differ. Now if you would excuse me. I'm in the middle of something. Your father was defeated on even ground tonight and I apologize if that causes you grief, but there was nothing dishonorable about my victory." Leonardo gave her an elegant bow, hoping to make her go away with the sheer force of his charisma.

"So this girl wants me to throw you through the fourth wall at her, I guess," Deadpool continued. "I mean, Connie Nervegas is already halfway through page four and doesn't have a clue. But that's her for you. Always faking along like she knows what she's talking about."

"What is this Connie Nervegas?" Karai asked, pointing at Deadpool with the tip of her katana. "Is this some new threat to the city?"

"Hey, I have a great idea!" Deadpool said, pulling both his katanas. "Let's have like a three way sword fight! And then I'm going to capture Leonardo and check to make sure he has a pecker and trade him off to that girl and then I'm going to find your sweet ass, honey..." Deadpool pointed at Karai in exchange, with one of his katanas. "...and then we'll get married and you'll have to move in with me and I'm sure Blind Al won't mind. And our firstborn daughter will be named little Bea Arthur Chimichanga Syrin Natasha Wilson. How's about it?"

Karai roared with rage and shouted, "YOU WILL NOT SPEAK SO INSOLENTLY OF BOTH MYSELF AND LEONARDO! DIE NOW, YOU FOOL!" She backflipped over an exhaust vent, landing directly in front of Deadpool and slashed across his neck, decapitating him.

Leonardo sighed with relief and then affected shock and said, "Karai! That was inhumane and uncalled for!"

Deadpool's head didn't fall to the ground as Leonardo had expected. It squelched blood as he held it on his neck with his hands, which were still moving and then Leonardo heard the sounds of sinew regrowing and reattaching itself on his neck. "Deadly, but beautiful. I like that in a woman."

Leonardo now held his swords at Deadpool's neck and cried out, "What are you? Some experiment of Baxter Stockman's? Bishop's?"

"Why do you yell so much? You have some anxiety issues or something," Deadpool cracked his neck as he spoke. "But relax. This girl I'm selling you to will loosen you up pretty fast after a few rounds of spank-the-frog."

"It would be spank-the-turtle!" Leonardo said, through gritted teeth and then glanced awkwardly at Karai. "Not that... would you just leave me alone! I'm not going anywhere with you! How do you know that this girl's money is even any good? Is it from another dimension? You broke through some wall to get it?"

"Well..." Deadpool searched his pockets and pulled out a pile of sand and then shouted with dismay. "You're right! I was played! Her money was all real and then disintegrated when I went back to my own narrative!"

Leonardo thought for a second and said, "Okay, go back through that wall and get your revenge. That's what I would do."

He watched with satisfaction as Deadpool stalked away, grumbling to himself.

Leonardo swore vigilance against Karai's unfounded claims of dishonor upon his clan and then sent her a Facebook message with a funny picture of a snake in an Easter bonnet. Then he Googled "Connie Nervegas terror threat" and "Connie Nervegas kunoichi" but found nothing of interest.

Leonardo looked at the stars as he went home. Well, he looked at the sky and pretended there were stars, since all he could see in the city was light pollution. Just as he neared the familiar sewer grate that led to home, he heard a familiar voice say, "Hey, Mr. Green Jeans. I just used my phone to look up pictures of turtle genitals and then showed it to that girl that wanted to buy you and she freaked out and called the deal off. She said it looked like a giraffe's tongue."

"Uh..." Leonardo tried to smile instead of scowl and said haltingly, "Thank you for your beneficial humiliation. Can I go home now? Are you done embarrassing me tonight, Deadpool?"

"Yeah, I'm done. Good night." Leonardo heard Deadpool's loud footsteps and sighed with relief.

So then I decided to take back this story because Leonardo used six whole pages to talk about honor and stuff and you guys need some real sexy before this story ends. I know, I know, I know, when you saw a LeonardoxDeadpool crossover you thought it would be complete yaoi smut and now you're super disappointed.

I got a better offer from the head of Marvel Studios and all I had to do was track down one of these ninja turtle guys and figure out where he came from and then use the time machine prototype from Apple to go back in time to the 80's and take out my real targets, Eastman and Laird. So they don't exist at all now. Just in this story. But that doesn't exist either. So that means you're crazy because you're reading a story about things that don't exist. And you were expecting it to be about smut between guys that don't exist. I mean, I know I'm real, but what are you?


End file.
